Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I'll learn to get by on the little victories...

Day 177:

I'm still lingering around the 50lbs lost. I haven't been on my best behavior Dukan-wise. The past two weekends I drank alcohol at a couple parties I went to. I broke down and ate too many handfuls of honey nut cheerios too. I'm not happy with myself about it, but I'm not gonna go down the black hole of depression over it either. I haven't been to the gym in weeks either. I'm not doing anything right, but I haven't given up. I'm sure it'll be hard to stay perfectly on track the rest of this week too. I'm leaving tomorrow for my five day vacation to visit Erin in Wisconsin and we'll be on a road trip most of the time I'm there. I've managed to stay  on track on my previous road trips so I'm hoping I can do the same this time.

On a positive note, I went shopping with my mom, sister and Alaine this weekend and I bought a pair of pants that were another size smaller! Little victories...that's all that counts to me now.

song lyric: Matt Nathanson - Little Victories

Friday, July 20, 2012

We knew this day would come, we knew it all along...

Day 166:

It finally happened! I've officially lost 51.4lbs since February 5. I was hoping I would get there last weekend but my monthly visitor came and ruined everything as usual. I feel like I retained more water than ever on this cycle. I was trying to avoid the scale until I was done because I didn't want to get discouraged when I saw it go up rather than down but I caved. I managed to not weigh in at home but by the time I got to work I couldn't take it and I got on the scale. Luckily the two scales seem to be pretty in sync.

Losing 50 pounds isn't my only good news! On August 1 I'm flying to Wisconsin to visit my best friend, Erin!!! I can't wait to see her! It'll be the first time I fly by myself since I was about 19 and had much more confidence. I'm not afraid of flying but I get nervous about missing flights and things going wrong in the airport more so than the plane. Also, I get a little panicky once I'm in my seat on the plane because I hate dealing with the dreaded seatbelt situation. Two years ago Erin and I flew to New Jersey to go to a music festival and on the first plane I could barely get my seatbelt buckled, it took me almost the entire time people were boarding to get it hooked. It was the most humiliating feeling ever. Luckily for me, Erin always lets me sit by the window so it wasn't noticeable to anyone but Erin and I. I know I could've asked for an extender but that might have been even more embarrassing. Last November when we went to New York it wasn't as bad as the plane to NJ, but it definitely wasn't comfortable and it was still a little bit of a struggle. I'm hoping that since I've lost 50lbs I won't have to go through such a debacle.

I'm convinced that no airline has a direct flight to Wisconsin. I have to switch planes in Atlanta and I'm super nervous about it. I only have a 50 minute layover and I hope my gates are close and I don't hit any snags. Can you tell this is all I've been thinking about?  I hate flying alone. We're gonna have a great time once I get there though. Right after I land we are getting in Erin's car and going on a road trip to Marshfield, WI, then to Madison, WI then to Joliet, IL and the last night will be in Chicago, IL. We're going to a concert each night. I'm so excited to add Wisconsin and Illinois to my list of states visited. After this trip I'll only have 33 more to go!

So that's all my good news. Think it's possible to lose 5 more pounds in 11 days? haha...wishful thinking.

song lyric: Maroon 5 - Daylight

Thursday, July 12, 2012

I have no excuses for the way that I am...

Day 158:

I'm only 1.6lbs away from being down 50lbs. That's such a milestone...for anyone. I've been continuously losing around a pound a day for the last week or so, so maybe I can reach 50 by Saturday.

It feels so weird to say it, but I'm proud of myself. I haven't even gotten there yet and I'm so proud already, I wonder what it's gonna feel like when I hit it?

I was a little skeptical that I'd lose any weight today. I went over to my cousin's house down the street to cook dinner and watch So You Think You Can Dance. We made cauliflower crust pizza, which is absolutely  delicious. We had turkey pepperoni, ff cheese and onions on it. I figured the cheese would really hinder any loss for today, but to my surprise I lost 1.2lbs. Phew.

song lyric: All You Ever - Hunter Hayes

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Can't forget, we only get what we give...

Day 157:

Is it possible to lose 9.8lbs in 21 days? I doubt it but I'm gonna give it my best try. The website that I track my weight loss on has the ability to set "milestones" and a month or two ago I set some goals for myself. Some of them were pretty far fetched but some of them are do-able. I've met all of them but one. This most recent one had me losing 10lbs by August 1st. The website says Prognosis: Difficult. But it said that about almost every goal I set and I reached those. So far in the 11 days of July I've lost 5.2lbs. Maybe if I'm super, super strict and get my sweat on I can reach this goal. I need to think of a prize or something if I meet this one...being that it's one of the more difficult ones. I mean, obviously I'll have the prize of losing 10lbs in a little over a month and being that much closer to my true weight. BUT (a big old fat girl) BUT...I'm much better with added incentive. I like incentives. I need to think of something that I really want that I've been putting off getting myself. Hmmm.

Moving on....I've been thinking a lot about weight watchers lately. Mostly fueled by my obsession with Pinterest. There are so many recipes on the site that are marked with WW points. I've done weight watchers several times in my life. I've had success with it, but could never get myself to stick with it. Also, I'm one of those people that like instant gratification and the weight comes of so slllloooooowwwllllyyy following that program. I'm not considering jumping the Dukan ship and hitching my cart to the weight watchers bandwagon...but there's things I miss about ww. Like the freedom to eat what you want as long as you stay in your point range. I mean, apparently having such strict guidelines on Dukan helps me to stay on track. I think that's just what the doctor ordered since this is the FIRST time in my 31 years that I've managed to stick with a diet for more than 2 months. I just think there's certain things left to be desired with Dukan...such as CRUNCHY things. There's nothing crunchy on this diet. It kills me. As much as I have a sweet tooth, i have a salty/crunchy tooth (?? is that a thing??). It's become apparent that this is something I cannot live without. So to curb my little crunchy cravings I'll snack lightly  on my neice's toddler snacks.
Gerber Graduates Apple Harvest Wagon Wheels that have 0g fat and 6g carbs for 3pieces.

Gerber Graduates Garden Tomato Lil' Crunchies that have 1.5g fat and 6g carbs for 20 peices (I usually only have about 10 just to satisfy my need for crunch) 

I know I shouldn't do this, but it keeps me from cheating big, like with potato chips or crackers. It doesn't seem to have hindered my weight loss really so as long as they continue to help me stay on track (however loose that track may be) I'll use them as a weapon in the craving battle.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. Oh Chris Powell, you beautiful bastard! I don't know if anyone else watches the show but every week they follow one morbidly obese guy or girl, varying ages, for a whole year while trainer Chris Powell leads them on a 100-200lb weight loss in the course of the year. This past Sunday night was Ashley's story. This particular week was really hard for me to watch because Ashley was young and really big. I thought she looked enormous, at least compared to me. Then she stepped on the scale and only weighed 3-4 pounds less than my starting weight on Dukan. I understand that she is probably 3 inches shorter than me and she probably carried her weight differently than I do...but she just looked so much bigger than I ever thought I looked. It was a slap in the face. I've always had body image issues, OBVIOUSLY (what fat girl doesn't), but why did I not see just how big I was? I look at pictures of myself from the end of last year and I'm mortified. To be honest even now I'm still pretty mortified that I've been plugging away at this diet for 5 months and I still look so gross. It's like I never realized just how big I was/am until I see it in pictures. It was definitely another one of those kick in the pants moments that I needed. More determined than ever to meet this 9.8lb loss by Aug 1st.

song lyric: Get What You Give - New Radicals

Monday, July 9, 2012

This moment is mine...

Day 155:

I made it 5 days on attack. By Friday I was so run down and sick feeling that I decided that on Saturday I was going back to veggies...sweet, sweet veggies. Who would've thought a fat kid could miss vegetables so damn much? Honestly though, I felt like a new person once I ate some cucumbers.

I ended up losing 4.8lbs during my week of attack. I needed that little kick in the pants though. I turned my almost debilitating guilt about cheating into an almost 5lbs loss. Take that, stupid scale!

I was so drained from the attack phase that I managed to only work out twice last week. In fact I felt so badly when I got home from work on Thursday evening that I went straight to bed at 4:45pm and slept until 8:30, got up showered, ate some chicken broth (too nauseous to eat anything else) and went back to bed until I got up for work on Friday morning. I was still feeling pretty yuck on Friday so I only worked a half day. By Saturday morning I was feeling much better.

I was a busy little bee most of the weekend. My dad washed his truck and my car and I vacuumed and detailed the inside of both. No easy feat in the dead heat of a New Orleans July afternoon. I probably sweat out half my body weight. I invited some friends over later for a game night. I did some cleaning around the house and had to decide on snacks. I cut up a bunch of veggies and made ranch dip with some fat free sour cream. I didn't want to make my friends suffer for my diet so I also got chips and dip and made some fat free cupcakes that I found on pinterest (angel food cake mix and a can of crushed pineapple in juice). I did take a taste of a cupcake because I was curious how they came out. Delicious, in case you were wondering. I'm sure they'd be an excellent treat on Weight Watchers. Game Night was a success, the girls slaughtered the boys in every game we played except for one round of Music Catch Phrase. Yesterday I made some helpful Dukan friendly recipes to get me through the week. I made pumpkin pudding from She Is Red. I made two loaves of dukan bread from this recipe (I miss sandwiches so badly lately. Tears stung my eyes as I passed Subway on my way to work Friday). The bread is pretty good except that I think I did something wrong with the yeast in both loaves because neither would really rise. Either way, I have bread and I'm happy. I made some pickled veggies too. I had to doctor the recipe a little and use splenda instead of sugar, which is usually pretty tricky since splenda is way more intensely sweet than sugar. I haven't tasted them yet since they needed to sit in the fridge for a couple days. Hopefully I didn't screw them up.

NOTE TO SELF: If I manage to have time to write tomorrow I want to talk about my weight chart "milestones" and weight watchers.

song lyric: This Moment Is Mine - Dion Roy

Monday, July 2, 2012

Sunshine Award...

Last week Constance at becomingshehulk.wordpress.com, formerly The Dukan Dietress, nominated me for the Sunshine Award. I'm honored and very thankful to her for thinking of me...especially given my recent absence. I'm going to answer the questions but hold off on nominating any blogger since I haven't actually been keeping up with anyone's blog, besides Constance (she's my Dukan role model, I'm always asking myself WWDDD, what would Dukan Dietress do?)

The Sunshine Award

-Nominated to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blog world.
To accept I have to answer 7 questions and nominate 10 other bloggers I admire.
Favorite colors: Purple and Gray
Favorite Animal: I don't actually like animals. But I think turtles are cute. 
Favorite Number: 2
Favorite Non-Alcoholic Beverage: Iced Tea, unsweet, nothing but lemon added
Prefer Facebook or Twitter? Twitter! I'm a tiny bit obsessed with Twitter.
My passion: Music. I absolutely love music, I'll listen to almost anything. I love going to concerts. I love that one song can make me feel so many emotions all at once. 
Prefer getting or giving presents: Giving, I like to give thoughtful gifts, tailor made for the recipient.
Favorite Pattern: Polka Dots
Favorite Day of the Week: I've always loved Thursdays
Favorite flower: Hydrangea
10 Bloggers I Admire: to be continued...

Don't be that hand 'round my throat so I can breath...

Day 149:

-42lbs. since start date in February. This number should be so much better. I haven't written in here in quite some time because I've been in a dark place, mentally, with Dukan, with life. I just felt like life was suffocating me. As anyone who reads my blog or knows me in real life, has probably noticed...I go through these "funks" pretty often. I'm definitely my own worst enemy. I get so sad and down on myself that can't shake it for weeks at a time. I made a point to not come on here and write about how sad I was because I don't want to subject anyone to my sadness anymore. So I just kind of stayed to myself for the most part until the fog lifted. That's not to say I'm perfectly happy and everything is fine now, that is definitely not the case and probably never will be.

I fell off the wagon...with a big, loud thud. Yesterday I went to brunch with my family to celebrate my parent's 35 wedding anniversary. I should have stayed in bed. I drank unlimited mimosas, ate french toast and cheesy grits. This was my mindset, I've been threatening to cheat pretty often lately and maybe if I just got it out of my system, I'd feel better. With each bite or sip I knew I was just deepening the guilt I'd feel later. I didn't feel better. I feel like I just negated the last 4 months of progress in one meal. I spent the rest of the day feeling this epic sense of failure. I'm still trying to make peace with my decision. I went to the gym last night and worked out as hard as my body allowed me to. Today I started over with the attack plan. I went to the Dukan site and recalculated my true weight. I'm starting fresh. Really fresh. I got too lax in how I was doing Dukan and it wasn't working for me anymore. No more allowing fat into my diet. I was trying to make this too much like Atkins and that's not what I want. I don't just want to lose weight, I want to be healthy as well. So here's to starting over.

The strange thing is that when I calculated my true weight is now 202lbs instead of the previous 189lbs. I wonder why that is? I figured the date would change not the weight. That still seems so heavy to me though. I'm a tall for a girl at 5'7 and I don't ever want to be super thin, I like having curves, so I guess that would probably be an appropriate weight for me. I may assess my appearance at 202lbs and make a decision on whether I'd like to lose the additional 13lbs. I'd love to be able to say I weigh less than 200lbs.

So I've got 7 days of pure protein ahead of me. It's going well so far today, probably the guilt helping me along. But I have a feeling it won't stay this easy all week. I don't usually do pure protein days, unless by accident. I've had veggies almost everyday since I started cruise. I'll try to make more of an effort to do alternate days as I'm supposed to once I start my new cruise phase.  I've still got my goal of losing 40 more pounds by the end of October to work towards. I MUST reach this goal. It's almost as important to me as reaching my true weight.  My friend Kerri is coming to visit Halloween weekend and I'd like to be 80lbs lighter than the last time she saw me (in November, at my biggest).

It's always so much easier to blog when I'm doing well on Dukan.

song lyric: Not The Sun by Brand New